Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse Trauma
Narcissistic abuse is a popular topic on social media — signifying that people across the globe are recognizing the toxic patterns in their life and searching for ways to heal the scars left from that abuse and move on. There are also those who have experienced the trauma of narcissistic abuse yet remain blind to it being the root of feeling stuck in life.
Some cannot acknowledge these traumas and trauma response behaviors because the abusive acts have been so decontextualized from their source that we chalk them off as personality or familial traits, or simply culture. For instance, in some cultures it is common to hear of people fearing one or more of their parents for various reasons. That is a trauma response. Having to live up to familial or cultural expectations, or continued participation in a religion that no longer fulfills deeper spiritual needs — all of these create trauma.
Anyone or anything in your life that manipulates or motivates you with guilt, shame, or insults is acting abusively.
If you are the black sheep or scapegoat of the family, and holiday gatherings are a nightmare, there is a narcissistic dynamic in there. If your faith includes sin, hell, or worship, or you believe your God does not love you exactly as you are, your soul has experienced a type of narcissistic abuse.
What Are the Red Flags of Narcissistic Abuse in a Relationship?
Some of the common red flag behaviors of a narcissist in abusive relationships include:
- They often rage
- Nothing is ever their fault
- They gaslight you that you do not remember events correctly
- They cannot take criticism
- They reverse-blame you
- Everything has to be about them
I know these signs intimately — because I was blind to the toxic behavior directed at me growing up. It took me twenty years to understand that I had been the target of what psychologists call a narcissistic smear campaign, waged by a family member.
Why Is Healing from Narcissistic Abuse So Challenging?
Narcissistic emotional abuse can be a challenging recovery because there are many toxic factors intertwined in the psyche — but it is certainly an achievable goal. I have been able to heal to a point where I feel I am no longer in survival mode and can enjoy life more. Yet there is still much to gain from continued healing.
All that abuse destroys the ego, creating beliefs of worthlessness and not being enough, which disconnects us from our inherent spirituality of self-love. We become so untrusting of our own intuition that we develop Learned Helplessness and cannot make any decisions alone.
Another challenging aspect to healing from narcissistic abuse is that it requires allowing oneself to release any self-pity caused by the broken ego so the authentic self can emerge. That means you no longer see yourself as a victim, but as a survivor. To get there requires finding forgiveness for self and others.
Forgiveness is not about condoning toxic behavior — it is about releasing all the guilt and shame created by it. It is about understanding that the abusers were abused themselves, continuing the cycle of abuse. It is about understanding that as humans, we share the same traumas, and simply developing a bit of empathy and compassion signals a significant step toward healing.
Something that makes forgiveness easier to accept is the understanding that we are not humans with souls, but souls having a human learning experience. When you frame your past experiences as a soul lesson, you can ask yourself: What have I learned about myself from the abuse?
But the most devastating reality for a narcissistic abuse survivor to face is that they cannot fully heal with the abuser still present in their life. Right now that prospect may feel frightening, especially if the abuser is your boss or co-worker. The good news is there are many other practices to proceed with the healing journey that strengthen your connection to self-love in other areas of life. When you start finding self-love elsewhere, you gain the self-empowerment to finally set clear and healthy boundaries.
What Does Narcissistic Abuse Do to Your Brain and Nervous System?
Because narcissistic abuse dysregulates your brain and nervous system, many survivors develop CPTSD, keeping them trapped in survival mode and overwhelmed by the fight-or-flight trauma cycle.
The first step to healing is reaching out and asking for help — but abuse survivors find this difficult because they do not feel worthy of it and have developed deep distrust for authority. And as counterintuitive as it sounds, the ego does not like change. It prefers the known current unhappiness to a happier future that feels like a frightening unknown. This can cause self-sabotage of personal growth.
How Do You Begin Rebuilding Your Self-Worth After Narcissistic Abuse?
The place to start healing is to sit down and figure out who you are not — and what your true self has come here to be. The life you have been living, with all the anxiety, catastrophic thoughts, autoimmune disease, chronic fatigue, and deep loneliness, is through your survival personality. That is not who you truly are.
Ask yourself: Who is the version of you living the life of your dreams, surrounded only by people who support you deeply? What does that feel like in the body? Where do you feel it? Are you living in the same place, or have you moved somewhere that lights you up? What does the food taste like there?
Keep in mind that you can change your goal at any time as you gain glimpses of the vast possibilities that suit the new you. As long as you have a direction to move in at the start, you do not need to know exactly how you will get there. Envision the life your soul dreams to express — and the path will open.
Your Trauma Healing Journey Offers a Spiritual Path to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Steve compiled the healing process that worked to get his head above water in the book Your Trauma Healing Journey: Lifeprint Reiki's Guide to Reconnect to Self-Love. Although not written exclusively for narcissistic abuse survivors, because it was written by one, you will certainly find it a revelation.
Sometimes simply reframing how we examine a past experience can begin to release the emotional intensity. None of your experiences were your fault. And it is actually not the abuser's fault either — they too are survivors of abuse and neglect. (If that statement triggers a strong reaction, that is a perfectly normal response for someone who is at the beginning of the self-growth process.)
Gaining self-awareness is key to personal growth. The book will help you identify your survival personality's thoughts and behaviors so you can find acceptance for them. Remember: your survival personality is nothing to be ashamed of. It was not your fault it was created.
The 11 Insights to Happiness
The healing process involves a variety of simple exercises to gain self-awareness. Journal prompts are provided as a key component to get the most out of every chapter, alongside real-life exercises and personal challenges.
Also important is learning the 11 Insights to Happiness. When you understand that much of your unhappiness comes from trying to control things that are uncontrollable, you can see why learning to surrender is so essential to mental health. When you understand that nothing is inherently good or bad — but that designation is simply an ego judgment — you gain the ability to rise above challenging situations. Or consider learning to develop stronger inner validation, since external validation from others is uncontrollable. There are eight more insights like that in the book.
Remember: the version of you that you desire to be only exists outside of your comfort zone.
If you have any questions, you know where to find us.